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[neversmall]

"You've reached Nina."

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[neversmall]

Exercise right after waking? Torture, [ Nina responds lightly, her hand still resting on Trassel's head. This is her life right now. ] I wouldn't mind stopping first in the bathroom, though. There's not much I can do without a comb, but I would like to at least wash my face.

[trassel]

[ She's so hard to wake, and now she doesn't even want to exercise? This is no warrior's training, not to be instantly ready — he can't blame her for not feeling refreshed, he isn't, either. ]

All right.

[neversmall]

[ They stop in front of the communal bathrooms and she lifts her hand from Trassel's head; he can't come in. She steps forward and then glances back at him. ]

Coming?

[ This is not an invitation to shower or anything more intimate; there will be sinks and other facilities and it's silly for him to have to wait for her. ]

[trassel]

[ — he could wait, it's not an issue, he doesn't really enjoy being inside... ]

[ But he also does need to wash his face and flatten his hair a little. Matthias nods, once, briskly. To Trass, he issues a short command to wait. ]

[neversmall]

[ She does not ambush him when he enters the bathroom. She doesn't even look at him, concentrating on doing what she can to get somewhat presentable. She does not ambush him when they leave the bathroom. She does not even ambush him as they start walking to breakfast.

No, she waits until they're very nearly there, and there is a likely crevice along the way. Then she puts both hands above her head and stretches. ]

Oh, I do not like sleeping in those hammocks.

1/2

[trassel]

[ How on earth is she a spy, she is the most obvious person in the world... ]

2/2

[trassel]

[ Matthias gives her a bit of a Look, but cannot help just the quick follow-up look of appreciation. Ugh. ]

They are not ideal, [ he says, agreeably. ] I would prefer to sleep on the ground.

[neversmall]

[ She cuts an assessing glance his way. ]

You should have woken me up. I'd have joined you.

[ Since you did sleep on the ground. Under her hammock.

She's not going to be tricky about this. She's not going to lead him down a merry path and pick up what he feels in his heartbeat. Instead, this is his last chance to tell her before she asks him. ]

[trassel]

[ He sighs, his shoulders moving with it. ]

I just did it without thinking.

[ — is the soft confession. The dreams had woken him, and he'd sought out the nearest comforting thing. Like a cold night, shored up against the biting wind, him and Trass. And knowing they both slept under Nina's hammock, keeping her safe. ]

Maybe next time I will wake you, but it is unlikely.

[ He would balk at the comfort she would offer him, it would just be annoying. ]

[neversmall]

[ --it is unlikely. It's a cold slap, and she doesn't stop to consider why that might be. She just stops walking and turns to look at him. ]

Oh? And why is that?

[trassel]

[ And returned in kind by the way she looks at him. Matthias blinks. ]

I... didn't want to disturb you.

[ And for what? To open the door to an old wound, strip for her in a way he has never done for anyone, to show the root of those dreams? No thanks. ]

[neversmall]

[ Nina blinks, absorbs that, acknowledges it as valid, and presses in anyway, reaching for his arm with all her bravery. ]

You can disturb me, though. I rather think that's the point.

[ Isn't it? Of being... what they are to each other? Isn't being able to disturb each other (or not) the point? Are they still... even after yesterday? ]

[trassel]

It is unlikely,

[ He murmurs, with a little humour, as he lets her take his arm. It is one thing to promise you'll find a new place together, try to be something other than enemies. It is another to have known she had to bargain with others for his life. No, they're not quite even. ]

[neversmall]

[ You're disturbing me now, she almost says, and only doesn't because it isn't quite true. Worrying would be more accurate.

He's let her take his arm; she drops it and takes a half step back, looking up at him. ]

Why?

[ You've no further use for me? Always and ever, since her mother had died, she'd only ever been valued for what she could do. He hated what she could do. It should be a comfort, except he also hated why she could do it, he hated what she was. ]

[trassel]

[ How exactly does he tell her, your hope gives me nightmares? He hasn't had that one in a while, and it came back full force, renewed with new information. New terrors, to keep him churning. ]

[ He's still — a long pause, as he considers. ]

I am not sure there is a way to see eye on eye on this. I would rather not fight.

[neversmall]

[ The honesty of that has her stepping forward, moving to bracket both his forearms with her hands and looking up at him. Earnestly: ]

I'd rather not give up on trying to find a way to understand. I'm not afraid of fighting with you - [ she pauses, then continues recklessly: ] - I'm afraid of losing you.

[ She knows this has been a Lot. ]

[trassel]

[ But there is no kind way to tell her about it, no gentle way. And not something he wants to do before breakfast, either. Matthias steps forward, resting one of his hands on her arm, where it grasps his own. ]

You have earned my friendship. It cannot be lost by any means other than death or betrayal. This I promise you.

[neversmall]

[ His vow is not a small thing. All the same, Nina is relentless. ]

In that case, you don't need to worry about us fighting.

[ She'd told him: she didn't want to be his enemy; she would never just stand aside and let him be hurt. ]

[trassel]

I don't?

[ Even if he says it with a little wry humour, he understands with lightning clarity that it's true — he doesn't have to worry about it. They have come out of clashes before, haven't they? Because they keep building bridges. He wants to know her, know more about her. Enough to decide if she is threatening or not, when she's already dangerous. ]

Very well.

[neversmall]

[ She searches his gaze for a moment more and then lets go of his hands, takes a half-step back. ]

You're still not going to tell me, or wake me if it happens again, are you. [ That stings; not good enough, not human enough, not worthy of trust. That's not fair, Nina. Would she want to go to him with her nightmares? No. So she manages to nod. ] All right. But I hope you know that I'm here, if you ever choose to.

[trassel]

[ That's not fair. He's doing his best not to be loudly objecting further to this sun summoner nonsense, to just try and be worried and nothing more, and it's hard. It is harder than anything else he's ever done, and he's slogged through every vicious natural thing Fjerda has had to throw at him. He doesn't want to shove that out there right now. ]

[ Matthias squeezes her hand. Softly, ]

That's not fair.

[ But she rights herself nearly immediately after, and, ]

In time, perhaps.

[ When they're better at being a team. ]

[neversmall]

[ Nina is one hundred percent terrible at letting things go. ]

I never claimed to be fair. [ She wants what she's offering: Everything. But she's more patient than she likes to give herself credit for being. She's willing to wait. She wants him for who he is, not who she can twist him into being.

She glances between them, where he hasn't let her go, and remembers... he hadn't let her go. ]

I know - I know that things are strange. [ She looks back up at him. ] And this isn't how we wanted it, or even what we hoped for when we first arrived. But I haven't changed my mind.

[ Not even taking up his part to the general had changed her mind. Not even the appearance of the sun summoner had changed her mind. She still wants to find a place where they can just be, together. ]

[trassel]

No, I suppose you did not.

[ He smiles briefly. But in this moment, he requires fairness and has no problem demanding it. If she wants everything, then this folds into her wants. ]

I haven't changed mine either.

[ Because it is important, and significant. Maybe even more significant than his choice to join the druskelle, but Matthias is not so willing to change where his compass points. Nina is not his whole world, just a large part of it, and her gravity is twisting everything else out of shape. He doesn't want to lose what he's known. ]

I just thought... it would not follow us like this.

[neversmall]

[ She needed to hear that. Something unnamed relaxes about how she holds herself, and her expression becomes wry. ]

I didn't either. Believe me, I spent a large part of yesterday mentally cursing in every language I know.

[ It would be different if their situations were reversed. She could handle two other drüskelle easily, if it became necessary. It had taken five of them to take her down, and it had been a sneak attack brilliantly executed; she'd be prepared this time. Or maybe she'd be able to give them a warning - or maybe Matthias would be able to persuade them to spare her life, as she'd persuaded Kirigan. (She doubted it. But maybe. After all, she hadn't been sure the general would agree, and he had.)

But she couldn't stop Kirigan. Matthias couldn't stop Kirigan. And once Alina learned how to use her powers properly, she'd likely be similarly unstoppable. So... it was different. ]

[trassel]

[ Something that would never happen, with a Fjerdan girl. It shouldn't be so alluring. It shouldn't make him smile. ]

[ He can't help it anyway, ducking his head to keep it to himself, its not appropriate to be amused and he doesn't want to explain to her what he's thinking about. ]

I imagine so.

[ Is all the hint she gets as to what's going on in his absurd Fjerdan mind. Then, sobering, ]

Thank you, for what you did. Rest assured it would have been returned, if any druskelle had come with us.