neversmall | IC Inbox

[ --it is unlikely. It's a cold slap, and she doesn't stop to consider why that might be. She just stops walking and turns to look at him. ]

Oh? And why is that?

[ And returned in kind by the way she looks at him. Matthias blinks. ]

I... didn't want to disturb you.

[ And for what? To open the door to an old wound, strip for her in a way he has never done for anyone, to show the root of those dreams? No thanks. ]

[ Nina blinks, absorbs that, acknowledges it as valid, and presses in anyway, reaching for his arm with all her bravery. ]

You can disturb me, though. I rather think that's the point.

[ Isn't it? Of being... what they are to each other? Isn't being able to disturb each other (or not) the point? Are they still... even after yesterday? ]

It is unlikely,

[ He murmurs, with a little humour, as he lets her take his arm. It is one thing to promise you'll find a new place together, try to be something other than enemies. It is another to have known she had to bargain with others for his life. No, they're not quite even. ]

[ You're disturbing me now, she almost says, and only doesn't because it isn't quite true. Worrying would be more accurate.

He's let her take his arm; she drops it and takes a half step back, looking up at him. ]

Why?

[ You've no further use for me? Always and ever, since her mother had died, she'd only ever been valued for what she could do. He hated what she could do. It should be a comfort, except he also hated why she could do it, he hated what she was. ]

[ How exactly does he tell her, your hope gives me nightmares? He hasn't had that one in a while, and it came back full force, renewed with new information. New terrors, to keep him churning. ]

[ He's still — a long pause, as he considers. ]

I am not sure there is a way to see eye on eye on this. I would rather not fight.

[ The honesty of that has her stepping forward, moving to bracket both his forearms with her hands and looking up at him. Earnestly: ]

I'd rather not give up on trying to find a way to understand. I'm not afraid of fighting with you - [ she pauses, then continues recklessly: ] - I'm afraid of losing you.

[ She knows this has been a Lot. ]

Edited 2021-06-24 11:49 (UTC)

[ But there is no kind way to tell her about it, no gentle way. And not something he wants to do before breakfast, either. Matthias steps forward, resting one of his hands on her arm, where it grasps his own. ]

You have earned my friendship. It cannot be lost by any means other than death or betrayal. This I promise you.

[ His vow is not a small thing. All the same, Nina is relentless. ]

In that case, you don't need to worry about us fighting.

[ She'd told him: she didn't want to be his enemy; she would never just stand aside and let him be hurt. ]

I don't?

[ Even if he says it with a little wry humour, he understands with lightning clarity that it's true — he doesn't have to worry about it. They have come out of clashes before, haven't they? Because they keep building bridges. He wants to know her, know more about her. Enough to decide if she is threatening or not, when she's already dangerous. ]

Very well.

[ She searches his gaze for a moment more and then lets go of his hands, takes a half-step back. ]

You're still not going to tell me, or wake me if it happens again, are you. [ That stings; not good enough, not human enough, not worthy of trust. That's not fair, Nina. Would she want to go to him with her nightmares? No. So she manages to nod. ] All right. But I hope you know that I'm here, if you ever choose to.

[ That's not fair. He's doing his best not to be loudly objecting further to this sun summoner nonsense, to just try and be worried and nothing more, and it's hard. It is harder than anything else he's ever done, and he's slogged through every vicious natural thing Fjerda has had to throw at him. He doesn't want to shove that out there right now. ]

[ Matthias squeezes her hand. Softly, ]

That's not fair.

[ But she rights herself nearly immediately after, and, ]

In time, perhaps.

[ When they're better at being a team. ]

[ Nina is one hundred percent terrible at letting things go. ]

I never claimed to be fair. [ She wants what she's offering: Everything. But she's more patient than she likes to give herself credit for being. She's willing to wait. She wants him for who he is, not who she can twist him into being.

She glances between them, where he hasn't let her go, and remembers... he hadn't let her go. ]

I know - I know that things are strange. [ She looks back up at him. ] And this isn't how we wanted it, or even what we hoped for when we first arrived. But I haven't changed my mind.

[ Not even taking up his part to the general had changed her mind. Not even the appearance of the sun summoner had changed her mind. She still wants to find a place where they can just be, together. ]

No, I suppose you did not.

[ He smiles briefly. But in this moment, he requires fairness and has no problem demanding it. If she wants everything, then this folds into her wants. ]

I haven't changed mine either.

[ Because it is important, and significant. Maybe even more significant than his choice to join the druskelle, but Matthias is not so willing to change where his compass points. Nina is not his whole world, just a large part of it, and her gravity is twisting everything else out of shape. He doesn't want to lose what he's known. ]

I just thought... it would not follow us like this.

[ She needed to hear that. Something unnamed relaxes about how she holds herself, and her expression becomes wry. ]

I didn't either. Believe me, I spent a large part of yesterday mentally cursing in every language I know.

[ It would be different if their situations were reversed. She could handle two other drüskelle easily, if it became necessary. It had taken five of them to take her down, and it had been a sneak attack brilliantly executed; she'd be prepared this time. Or maybe she'd be able to give them a warning - or maybe Matthias would be able to persuade them to spare her life, as she'd persuaded Kirigan. (She doubted it. But maybe. After all, she hadn't been sure the general would agree, and he had.)

But she couldn't stop Kirigan. Matthias couldn't stop Kirigan. And once Alina learned how to use her powers properly, she'd likely be similarly unstoppable. So... it was different. ]

Edited 2021-06-26 03:00 (UTC)

[ Something that would never happen, with a Fjerdan girl. It shouldn't be so alluring. It shouldn't make him smile. ]

[ He can't help it anyway, ducking his head to keep it to himself, its not appropriate to be amused and he doesn't want to explain to her what he's thinking about. ]

I imagine so.

[ Is all the hint she gets as to what's going on in his absurd Fjerdan mind. Then, sobering, ]

Thank you, for what you did. Rest assured it would have been returned, if any druskelle had come with us.

[ She blinks a little at that, because... well, because they hated her so much. She was a Heartrender. She Knew. And it would tear something out of Matthias' heart to have had to stand in front of that and defend her. Even when she went in front of Kirigan, it hadn't been as bad. It was still personal for them, but it wasn't.. foundational, philosophical, as it was for the drüskelle.

A little quietly, round notes of something like surprise in her tone: ] Thank you.

Edited 2021-06-26 03:22 (UTC)

[ They hated each other. ]

[ But it would be dishonourable, and it would not be right, and though it would hurt it would be necessary; he's never shied away from pain or necessity. They are the waters that have fed his being. ]

[ Killing Nina is not necessary. Heartrender or not - she is dangerous but not dangerous to them. Not to him, when she could have used her power on him or escaped at any time. ]

Of course. We are friends.

[ Whatever else happens, they are friends. ]

Edited 2021-06-26 13:33 (UTC)

[ Nina does not want to just be Matthias' friend. But he is still holding her hand and she is a Heartrender, and one of the things she can not ignore is the way he feels when he says that word: like it is a thing of wonder.

Which, honestly, it is.

She bites her lip and then steps closer, looking up at him with a soft smile. ]

All right. [ And then the softness breaks into something wry and her gaze sparks, and she does not step back. ] But let's be glad only one of us had to do this -- it could be worse. They could have both shown up.

[ Imagine how horrible that would have been - completely beyond their control. She could convince the general not to go after an unbearded druskelle; she could never convince him not to go after Brum. She's not even sure she'd want to. ]

Edited 2021-06-26 13:53 (UTC)

[ She always goes for the wicked ones, the smirk, the invitations, the theatrical displays he doesn't take to so well. Matthias likes best when she just smiles at him honestly, because something is wonderful. He wants to touch her cheek, but it fades, Matthias' own expression turns wry as well. ]

I'm not sure I could have convinced Commander Brum not to go after you.

[ Even if he is the best, the clear favourite, his word is different from the word of other boys. Other boys weren't chosen to go along with the officers to capture Nina. And as it strikes him, he adds, ]

— or the other way around.

[ He has ways of stopping her, and all involve harm to her person. Strange, that the thought should now engender such revulsion. Not a month ago he might have felt nothing at all. ]

[ The weight of her rediscovered locket was heavy on her neck; burning. Nina had friends among the other Corporalki; she was useful, and her value was determined by her use. It was expedient to be her friend. She'd had one friend. Could she have suffered Brum to live, after what he'd done to others, what he'd done to her? ]

I'd have reserved the right to defend myself, as you did, [ quietly. ] It would have been hard. But this is not the place to carry on a war. And I have other priorities now.

[ Simple, heartrending, but true. Some things will never change, and Matthias has taken his place with them. ]

[ Matthias doesn't want to expend a great deal of creativity imagining a scenario that isn't likely to happen — as far as they know, everyone who could have arrived from their world is already here, and there are more pressing problems. The matter of survival still hangs over them, and in this, Nina is not only useful, she is needed. ]

Yes.

[ And this is a good opening. He takes his shot. Gently, ]

Such as breakfast.

[ Nina still hasn't moved back; she smiles up at him. ]

Are you hungry, Matthias Helvar?

[ — for many, many things, that burn in his eyes for a moment. He blinks, then smiles softly. ]

Let us break bread together.

[ Nina shifts her grip to twine her fingers through his in response to that look in his eye that, yes, she had been hoping to induce. It's a bold move that hides the fragile, yet overwhelming happiness she feels at seeing it. ]

Let us hope there's bread! [ A quick grin. ] If not, I'll settle for sharing whatever they have with you.

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